Don’t be afraid to change your goals.

My summer goals on writing each week have not been successful. My mother’s husband had surgery and he is my mother’s caretaker. She is in the last and final stage of Alzheimer’s. This is perhaps the worst stage yet. It could last months or it could last years.

With my stepfather’s recovery, my sisters and my step-siblings all had to pitch in to help out. It took a lot more mental and physical work than I had thought. At times, I felt thankful that I am a teacher and have the summer off so that I could help out more. However, there were other times that I felt overwhelmed and pissed off that this is happening to my mother. Life can be so unfair and cruel. It took my beautiful mother who had such spunk and left her as a shockingly old woman who needs help laying down, going to the bathroom, eating, and who doesn’t know her own daughters.

I foolishly thought that when she is sleeping or at nighttime, I would write. Quickly, I realized that I could not do it. My mind and my body just needed to rest. At first I was mad at myself for not following through on my goals.

After a few days of negative talk to myself and taking care of my mother, I came to the realization that it is ok to change your goals. Life gets in the way sometimes. We do what we have to do and that is that. Sometimes you have the time to follow through with what you want to do in life and sometimes you have to push pause and get back to what you want to do when you have the time and the mental energy to do so.

Unexpected Motivation

I recently went on a field trip with my son to Monticello as a parent and as a special education teacher. My focus was staying cool in the heat, keeping the kids on my caseload on track, and spending time with my son.

However, it didn’t take long for that focus to change.

Soon, it was pure motivation. Seeing Thomas Jefferson’s creations, architecture, books that he owned, gardens, etc was breathtaking at times.

I have been feeling down about my lack of progress on writing, my mother’s Alzheimer’s and infertility. Somehow being at Monticello made me feel hopeful. Not hopeful that I can change my mother’s prognosis or change my inability to have more children, but hopeful because LIFE is hopeful.

There is something about Monticello that makes you remember that life isn’t about what you have or what you cannot have, it is about using your mind to create the life you want. Instead of wasting my time and energy thinking about what I cannot have, I need to focus my energy on what I love and on what I can create.

Time to Write a Novel??

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In just a few days, November will be here. To be that means NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)!! It is the one month of the year where I, and many many others, try to write 50,000 words in just one month. Some of us are successful; some of us are not and that is ok. This is my sixth year doing NaNoWriMo. I am not going to stress out if I don’t make the word count, because my goal is just to regain my creative juices and write on a schedule.

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Planning is usually my downfall. I want to be a planner so I try and try each year to write what I had planned for NaNoWriMo, but it just doesn’t work out. My characters do as they damn please. So this year, I am not going to plan. I am going to write and let the characters run with it.  We will see. I am hopeful and excited to see what comes of it.

It has been hard to stay on a writing schedule lately. I have been letting my personal life interfere. Dealing with my mother’s Alzheimer’s has seemed to take over my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps writing can be a form of therapy for me instead of something I put off because I am just not in the mood to write? Maybe NaNoWriMo can help me get out of this funk?

I am looking forward to having a goal to work towards, talking with fellow writers about their imagination, and making time for myself to just write.

Good luck to everyone!!

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Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

In a previous post, I mentioned how I was going to start posting more and writing more and blah blah blah. Well, that was MONTHS ago.

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Apparently, life got in the way yet AGAIN!  School started up and my schedule is insane. My son has been sick more than usual for the first two months of school. My mother, who is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s, has deteriorated so much lately….it is just heartbreaking. I just got caught up in the lows of life.

My recent visit with my mother was the worst ever. There never seemed to be a moment where she recognized me as her daughter. At one point, she asked me “Who is your mom?” It was so hard to say the next two words:  “you are.”

It broke me.

After that visit, I became determined.

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Determined to make myself write again. Determined to exercise and take care of myself more. Determined to be a good example for my son. Determined to truly live life to the fullest because life really is crazy short.

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So here’s to livin’ life to the fullest.  ❤

 

Finding My Way Back

Everyone struggles in life. Sometimes it takes us down a dark path, but we must always keep trudging along to find the way out.

Lately, I have been feeling down. I lie. It has actually been over a year now. I have kept my distance from friends, my house is becoming a disaster, and I have to remind myself daily how great I have it even though life isn’t what I dreamed it would be.

I usually keep my true self away from my blog posts, but not anymore. For the past year, I haven’t blogged much nor have I written as much as I would like. This past weekend I decided that enough is enough. I have been walking in mud for months trying to find my way out to happiness, but it is time to find that vine and pull, yank, swing myself immediately to the right path.

Book rejections, my mother’s Alzheimer’s, and my struggle with fertility have been like these tremendous weights on my shoulders all consuming my thoughts. At some point, we have to just break free and take charge. So this is me taking charge.

I am revamping my blog. My next Children’s book has been written; I just need to edit, edit, rewrite, and edit again. The three books I have written and published are all FREE for the next couple days! Summer is great for reading! Just click on FREE!

As for my mother’s Alzheimer’s and my infertility? I just need to admit to myself that it is what it is. I have guilt that I cannot provide my son siblings and I have guilt that I cannot help my mother in all the ways she needs due to time and financial reasons. I also have embarrassment about the infertility and have not spoken much about it. I am done not speaking. It is time to yell about something that people should feel like they can share. The time is now. I just need to do the best I can, appreciate all that I do have, visit my mom as much as I can, and just live.

If you are going through struggles as well, please remember you are not alone. There is a light at the end of that long dark road. I promise. You just need to keep walking or running. But don’t just sit in that darkness and hope you will find the way out. You must make yourself get up and get out. If you don’t have the energy, please tell someone. Tell a friend. Tell a family member. Call a counselor. You are not alone and we can all get through this. ❤️

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