It is a new year and a new decade. It is hard to believe.
Today, I woke up early as every day. I wish I could say it was because I am too excited to start the day. In truth, I would love to sleep in; however, my hound dog has other ideas.
He just wants to play. Who can blame him though? Life should be more fun. So he woke up early and so did my son. We decided to lay in bed and think of 2020 goals. I am so proud of my son. We both have similar goals: be more positive and have more fun!
Another goal of mine is to just write more. I have decided to leave Facebook and Instagram for a bit so that I can focus on having more fun and writing more instead of mindlessly looking at social media.
Summer is my time to destress from a school year. As a special education teacher, my patience is tested throughout the year as I help students deal with their emotions, academic struggles, and just getting through the day. I love my job, but I do need the summer to be myself again.
This time of the year is greatly needed. My son and I love our time together. We have lazy mornings, snuggle time, videogame time, but we also have reading, non-technology time, and just good old-fashioned time together outside at the park, pool, beach, and, of course, our back yard. ❤
Summer is also my time to find my creative side again. Some school years take it away a bit as my mind focuses on IEPs, lesson plans, and meetings. So this summer I am so excited to let my imagination come out again. To do that, I have set some goals for myself:
Make time to read.
Write every day.
Create a rough draft children’s book for each week of the summer.
This is my first full week of the summer. I am so excited to just read, write, and have fun. Until next time…
My inner critic is harsh. Let’s just be brutally honest here: my inner critic is a true mean-to-the-bone, socially unacceptable bitch.
You know the type: They put you down every chance they get. They blame you for everything wrong that happens. Why did the boyfriend leave? You. Why did you not get that job you applied for? You. Why do you doubt yourself? You are not good enough, she would reply. Yet she would say it with a sailor’s mouth with such vulgar that you don’t want to be in public with her.
There are some days where I can control her, but there are also some days where she knocks me to the floor gasping for air with tears staining my face.
I have always had a harsh inner critic. I used to cave in and believe her that I wasn’t good enough. I just took it. I believed the negative. I drowned in it, yet I also let it be my air that I needed to breathe every day.
Then one day, I decided to live the life I wanted…no matter what.
So my goal was to prove her wrong. For example, I fought her about being a teacher. I am quiet, could be a hermit, and am so very scared to talk to a crowd. I am now in my 14th year as a special education teacher.
My point is that we are our own worst critics. How do we not drown in our own criticism?
Well, I had to reteach myself how to talk to ME. I had to tell my inner bitch that I envied her free way of talking; that I will take that energy and turn it around; that I will prove her wrong for she is just doubt talking. I needed to give life a real try because life could be over in a second.
Life needs to be cherished…not hidden from. Life needs to be lived… not sheltered. We all have our demons, our mistakes, etc. Let those mistakes be a stomping ground on our inner bitches.
Just remember to tame your inner critic instead of banishing them. I still need her spunk and her devilish ways after all. Life is more fun that way. 😉
In just a few days, November will be here. To be that means NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)!! It is the one month of the year where I, and many many others, try to write 50,000 words in just one month. Some of us are successful; some of us are not and that is ok. This is my sixth year doing NaNoWriMo. I am not going to stress out if I don’t make the word count, because my goal is just to regain my creative juices and write on a schedule.
Planning is usually my downfall. I want to be a planner so I try and try each year to write what I had planned for NaNoWriMo, but it just doesn’t work out. My characters do as they damn please. So this year, I am not going to plan. I am going to write and let the characters run with it. We will see. I am hopeful and excited to see what comes of it.
It has been hard to stay on a writing schedule lately. I have been letting my personal life interfere. Dealing with my mother’s Alzheimer’s has seemed to take over my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps writing can be a form of therapy for me instead of something I put off because I am just not in the mood to write? Maybe NaNoWriMo can help me get out of this funk?
I am looking forward to having a goal to work towards, talking with fellow writers about their imagination, and making time for myself to just write.
In a previous post, I mentioned how I was going to start posting more and writing more and blah blah blah. Well, that was MONTHS ago.
Apparently, life got in the way yet AGAIN! School started up and my schedule is insane. My son has been sick more than usual for the first two months of school. My mother, who is in the last stages of Alzheimer’s, has deteriorated so much lately….it is just heartbreaking. I just got caught up in the lows of life.
My recent visit with my mother was the worst ever. There never seemed to be a moment where she recognized me as her daughter. At one point, she asked me “Who is your mom?” It was so hard to say the next two words: “you are.”
It broke me.
After that visit, I became determined.
Determined to make myself write again. Determined to exercise and take care of myself more. Determined to be a good example for my son. Determined to truly live life to the fullest because life really is crazy short.
Everyone struggles in life. Sometimes it takes us down a dark path, but we must always keep trudging along to find the way out.
Lately, I have been feeling down. I lie. It has actually been over a year now. I have kept my distance from friends, my house is becoming a disaster, and I have to remind myself daily how great I have it even though life isn’t what I dreamed it would be.
I usually keep my true self away from my blog posts, but not anymore. For the past year, I haven’t blogged much nor have I written as much as I would like. This past weekend I decided that enough is enough. I have been walking in mud for months trying to find my way out to happiness, but it is time to find that vine and pull, yank, swing myself immediately to the right path.
Book rejections, my mother’s Alzheimer’s, and my struggle with fertility have been like these tremendous weights on my shoulders all consuming my thoughts. At some point, we have to just break free and take charge. So this is me taking charge.
I am revamping my blog. My next Children’s book has been written; I just need to edit, edit, rewrite, and edit again. The three books I have written and published are all FREE for the next couple days! Summer is great for reading! Just click on FREE!
As for my mother’s Alzheimer’s and my infertility? I just need to admit to myself that it is what it is. I have guilt that I cannot provide my son siblings and I have guilt that I cannot help my mother in all the ways she needs due to time and financial reasons. I also have embarrassment about the infertility and have not spoken much about it. I am done not speaking. It is time to yell about something that people should feel like they can share. The time is now. I just need to do the best I can, appreciate all that I do have, visit my mom as much as I can, and just live.
If you are going through struggles as well, please remember you are not alone. There is a light at the end of that long dark road. I promise. You just need to keep walking or running. But don’t just sit in that darkness and hope you will find the way out. You must make yourself get up and get out. If you don’t have the energy, please tell someone. Tell a friend. Tell a family member. Call a counselor. You are not alone and we can all get through this. ❤️