Confessions of a Mom, Teacher, and Writer

This year was supposed to be my YEAR of WRITING, but something happened. Life.

The truth is that I let life overwhelm me for a bit.

So in an attempt to help me put every worry in it’s place and remember what is really important in our short lives…here are my confessions:

1. I am a helicopter mom. I never wanted to be. In fact, I thought I would be that cool, easy going mom. I can be…sometimes, but I am mainly that overprotective mom. He is always supervised. If we are at a store and he walks to another aisle where I cannot see him for even a second….I panic. I literally panic. There are so many evils in this world and the thought of anything happening to him is a pain that I cannot explain. I feel guilt when I have to leave my son for even doctor’s appointments or to work out. I feel guilt when I say no to playing so I can write…so lately, I haven’t written much. I used to write when my son went to bed, but I haven’t done much of that either. Life burned me out a bit. I am a special education teacher and IEPs, students being added to my caseload, figuring out scheduling, etc, etc., it all exhausted me. By the end of the day, I just didn’t feel like thinking anymore. Also, dealing with my mom’s Alzheimer’s has made me feel like I must spend every moment with my son making memories. So that is what I have done. However, that also means putting my dreams on hold and that is not what I want to show my son. I have always  believed you must go for your dreams and never give up. I would like to teach  my son that as well.  That means I need to find balance so that I can show my son I am always there for him, but that his mom also has dreams to chase. First thing to do this summer? Create a writing schedule that I can stick to and that works for my son’s schedule too. Win win.
2. Self doubt has been growing roots. I didn’t mean to let those seeds of self doubt grow, but they did. I entered a contest and received negative feedback. My last book didn’t get many reviews nor did many people buy it, yet it is my favorite book that I have written. Slowly those seeds of doubt became long roots with thorns that grew so deep that I stopped writing for a bit. Every time I thought about writing, those thorns dug deeper and whispered “you suck” and I listened. Oh man did I listen. Then something happened this past weekend: someone said something so rude to me that it truly crushed me. I woke up the next morning and realized not everyone has to like how my hair looks or what I write or the tattoos I have, etc., etc. Why have I been caring so much? I do want to one day make a living as a writer, but that doesn’t have to mean that everyone has to love my writing. There are a lot of famous authors that I just don’t like to read their work, but others love them. There are a lot of authors that I love that have self published their work, yet they have received rejections as well. Second thing to do this summer? Remind myself that as long as I do my best, work hard for what I want then that is all that matters. Someone will like my writing so I will write for myself and those readers.
3. Speaking of roots….  Since I learned about my mother’s condition, I have decided to be a more healthy version of myself. I am eating better, exercising more, and have decided that putting chemicals on my head every three weeks to cover my grey isn’t healthy so I am done with that. I have been going grey since I was a teenager. I used to color my hair for fun. Shall I be red this month or black? I need constant change in my life or I get bored. Changing my hair helped me with that; however, after years and years of that, it eventually became a chore. I would see those roots and hate the way I look. So one day a few months back, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I need to show myself, my son, my students, etc. that it is ok to be yourself. Grey hair doesn’t have to be something to hide; it is who I am. Grey doesn’t  have to equal old; it is just a color. And I have decided that I am going to rock that color. I am excited to grow out my natural color; I am excited to not be handcuffed to my hair dye every three weeks; I am excited to be more healthy for myself; I am excited to finally just be me. Third thing to do this summer? Remind myself to not care what others think and remind myself that I will rock this silver. Going grey isn’t for everyone and I have already received negative feedback, but not everyone has to like my quest to be healthy. You be you and I will be me. ❤

It is summertime and those are my confessions. Saying them out loud (or typing them loudly!) is sort of cleansing for me. Thanks for listening. Is there anything you need to cleanse?